Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
