question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
