She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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