the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
