I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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