I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We need a shit load of segways right now
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
