he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
