If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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