I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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