Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
