at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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