The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
