Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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