Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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