she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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