TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
