I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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