Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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