dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize