Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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