i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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