I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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