Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize