My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
