see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
