My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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