just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
