we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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