So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
