So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize