the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You've changed since you got that strap on
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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