She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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