Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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