she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
