i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize