he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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