Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
