Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
