I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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