Don't you send me to vm
I just pynch a tree in the face
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
