he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
