Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
