we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
