There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
