come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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