apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
