Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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