I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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