I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
