Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
