running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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