she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
