I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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