Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize