I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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