Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
