i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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