I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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