I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
