The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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