She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize