I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
