9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
