so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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